I invented it...

I invented this first Mr Turner, my fantasy lawyers are sending the police to shut you down cos you stole my idea.

I only canned it after extensive self-testing as I couldn't find a way of accurately measuring a really small volume.

Note: Picture actual size

PenguinOS

I am writing a new operating system, I thought of calling it Lixun and in an inspired twist I have decided to use a Penguin as it's logo.

A Penguin is the only animal with a gui after all, aren't I just insanely brilliant? Not only do I code in vi but I can do the marketing stuff - watch out Gates and Jobs here comes Kerr. Nobody else in this universe knows as much as me about pooters, so who else to give the world a new operating system? I can't think of one...

I am willing to offer a share of the project for somebody to write the error dialogs - there are lots of them, in fact it's the biggest part of teh project. Contact me if ure interestid...

Sunday morning onanism - Part 2

I got a bit bored after the fifth or sixth tug, and I dinnae mean the ones in Leith harbour.

So I moved onto my next trick; sticking things where they just shouldn't go...

Despite my meticulous planning; ensuring my "inserted" phone was on vibrate and charged, my mum's mobile only had enough credit for one text - the devil is in the detail, or in my colon as it turned out.

So I am just back from the Royal Infirmary Accident & Emergency department, it was a fine morning for a waddle. Mind you that was the most painful Sunday morning stroll I have ever taken, I was hoping my clumsy gait would dislodge the Nokia before I arrived, butt to no avail.

I spent 20 minutes circumventing a sensible explanation of my "situation" to the stoney faced receptionist at the admissions desk - "phone, colon, interface, experiment" just didn't fit any of the tick boxes on the admissions form. She wouldn't even let me use the hospital phone to call my concealed (congealed?) mobile despite my protestations that even a prisoner gets one call - I was hoping the vibration might aid removal, and if not I could always dive off to the loo...

The registrar who extricated it was very nice, and I felt less embarrassed when she explained that "this sort of thing" was much more common than you'd credit.

She even gave me the X-Ray for my photie album...

What did you do with your Sunday morning?

Sunday morning onanism

I am lying on my back, all cosy in the sleeping bag on my cardboard box bed, ogling a picture of yours truly on the mobile phone I "found" last night - these phones with cameras are brill', when did that happen?

Barry "The Sultan of Soul" White is serenading me on the 8 track and the sun is streaming through the gaps in the newspaper taped to the windows - a perfect Sunday morning.

Another slurp of that rohypnol spiked "green tea" - here goes

Oh Juan, oh Juan - oh yeah Juankerrrrrrrr

What a belter, the phone looks like a plasterers radio now...

I am the one

See The Matrix its gr8 innit? Well I made it:

I starred in it to - I mashed up cuts of Keanu from Johnny Mnemonic with shots of me with my head wrapped in plasticine. And it wasn't the Wachowski brothers wot produced it, it was the Wachalski brothers who own the Polski Sklep downstairs; they did the catering too, and we setup a proper film lot in the back close, and shot it all on our mobile phones. We just pertended it was the Hollywood stars to get the film released, it was actually all Holyrood stars.

I wrote all the graphics in machine code on my Spectrum ZX +2, I did honest...

300000000 is a big number

NeXTSTEP, CCPM, AIX, HPUX, SOLARIS, DOS, OS2, VAX/VMS, UNIX, MAC OS, Linux, Windows - I support millions of users in all operating systems and every application ever written, all by my lonesomes, I am the bestest engineer EVUR!

toodles